Carl Rogers said, “Man’s inability to communicate is a result of his failure to listen effectively.”   December tends to be a busy month in my practice because so many people see their families at Thanksgiving and they are shocked to find out how much their loved ones have declined in cognition, physical ailments or just managing their lives in general. The phone starts ringing and I delve into the often times chaotic world of, family dynamics. People come to me asking for guidance and usually that process begins with an assessment in which I interview the older person and sometimes the clients (older children) are present and this is when geriatric care management takes on the face of family mediation or therapy.  I have seen people with the best  intentions start a family meeting with the hopes of trying to figure out how to care for mom and dad but egos and personality conflicts have turned discussions into screaming matches.  All the while, no one listened to what the most important person in the room had to say.

I have learned over the years that listening is my greatest asset. Often times as humans we get caught up in “me” and we forget to just pull up a chair and be a good friend, daughter or son, the one who gives their undivided attention, fully and honestly. Last night I took a class and the instructor said, “If you exist in an honest manner, you are believable and if you do not come from your heart people know right away.” That spoke to me. How many times have you been with someone and everything is about them, they never ask how you are doing and when they do their eyes are drifting to everyone else in the room, there is no connection, no honesty. I truly believe that at the end of the day we all just want to be loved and heard. It is so elementary but we complicate situations by being self-centered. I cannot tell you the number of times I have walked away from a case with a completely different insight, more rich and complete in meaning because I attended to the needs of the client instead of what I thought they should do, I am forever the pupil.

As you begin or continue your journey of caring for your aging parents, listen to their needs, wants and concerns because one day those trepidations may become your own. How will you want your children to respond to you? This line of thinking will encourage you to be more honest in your approach. If we take the “me” out of the equation or situation, we have just increased the likelihood for a more successful line of communication.